hi!!

someone told me to post again. apparently i have a fan out there who ISN’T a friend of mine! and at their request, YES, I ONLY NEED ONE PERSON TO LIKE ME, i will begin blogging again.

i was actually considering it for the past few weeks, but the kind comment brought me back to action!

i am starting a new series and making a nice header finally, among other things.

INDEED, my one fan can be rest assured that Lorelei Black is back in action PISSED OFF AS EVER. ;D

to this end, i shall write a post tomorrow. and other posts after that.

YOU COME HERE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW, PROGRESSIVE BLOGOSPHERE.

I NEVER.

EVER.

WANT TO SEE SHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN. (note: clearly, the problem is the event, NOT PAM’S POST, I just can’t find many other posts on this topic at the moment)

and you can lay the blame RIGHT ON YOUR DAMN SELVES because had you not been sitting on your asses going ‘WAH WAH WAH BLACK PEOPLE PASSED PROP 8′ and spreading these LIES and MISINFORMATION, THIS RACIST FUCKING BULLSHIT WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

I AM NOT NAMING NAMES, DAN SAVAGE AND HALF THE FEMINIST BLOGOSPHERE. BUT I HAVE SEEN MORE THAN ENOUGH POSTS, ESPECIALLY FROM YOU GODDAMN PUMAS, BITCHING AND WHINING ABOUT HOW THOSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE JUST KEEPING YOU DOWN.

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP ALREADY.

DID YOU BOTHER TO PARSE THE NUMBERS? NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR ACTUAL ANALYSIS. PLEASE SEE PAM’S POST FOR SOME ACTUAL FUCKING CRITICAL THINKING.

listen everyone and their fucking toaster knew that prop 8 was going to win and it was because the no on prop 8 campaign did not have enough money, was late in the game, and was in the end NO MATCH for the yes campaign and for the religious and conservative voters who had been reached by that campaign.

so i NEVER, EVER want to see the progressive blogosphere go ‘oh dearie me i don’t understand how you could say i am racist omg why do you hate me!’ and then go off crying when someone finally throws up their hands and says ‘i give up, cracker.’ BECAUSE I AM GOING TO POINT RIGHT TO THESE INCIDENTS, AND YES IT IS THE FAULT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE. ALL YOU SPREADING THIS BULLSHIT AROUND YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

i don’t know shit about the black community and homophobia within it. i am not black and i am not in that community so this post ISN’T FUCKING ABOUT THAT and i’m sure you could find a million posts with the wordpress post search about that very topic, alright? because i don’t KNOW A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT. what i DO know is that I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE BEFORE I FUCKING SCREAM AND MY MAN WILL NOT BE HAPPY IF I WAKE HIS ASS UP.

the good things about last night:

+ FUCK YEAH WE DIIIIIIIIIIIIIID

+ democratic senate and house control

+ colorado and south dakota did not pass their ballot measures on abortion

+ MA did not repeal their income tax

+ Michigan passed stem cell research

so while you were drinking yourself to death over Obama’s victory (which, yes, I’m happy about because I’m not as afraid of having to declare the US ‘Oceania’ at the moment and I mean there’s no doubt that he is a good man), we ended affirmative action in Nebraska (HAY DID YOU EVEN KNOW TWO STATES WERE VOTING ON THAT? LOLOLOLOL), California’s props 4 and 8 are still up in the air but looking like they’ll be passed, Arizona and Florida banned gay marriage for the millionth time (and in the process, FL banned commonlaw marriages, BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE), and gay couples in Arkansas can no longer adopt children.

oh, and Obama still isn’t a radical and looks like he’ll never do anything about racism, poverty, sexism, homophobia, etc in any way. not like McCain was gonna do ANY of that shit either but christ almighty.

WOOOOO GO TEAM AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

yup, apparently, it totally is! just like everything else!
uhhh.

listen. don’t try and ‘talk me out of’ anorexia by telling me, ‘no! men like curves on women!’

1) you can’t ‘talk me out’ of a mental disorder.

2) i’m not in this because i want to look good for men. i’m in this because i want to look as sickly as possible, so that people believe there is something wrong with me. that is MY reason. some other reasons for eating disorders include: feeling like one does not deserve food, putting oneself through physical trauma to punish oneself, having a literally distorted physical view of oneself, to control something, ANYTHING… etc etc.

3) even if i was, NO. MEN DO NOT ‘LIKE CURVES.’ men like specific kinds of curves, i.e. perfect ones. like Beyoncé’s perfect curves. men do not like normal people curves like everyone else at a normal weight fucking has.

4) in fact, some people with eating disorders AREN’T EVEN FUCKING STRAIGHT. indeed, a good number of people with eating disorders ARE EVEN MALE! imagine that!!!!!

5) yes, a lot of people with eating disorders say ‘i just want to be beautiful.’ and i can’t speak for everyone, but in my experience, it’s false. it’s just false. it’s about being good enough. it’s about being perfect. it’s about wanting people to finally find you to be the perfect superwoman you’re expected to be. and part of being a perfect superwoman is being 98 lbs.

i’m not claiming to be an expert. all i know is my experience and the experiences of my friends. i’m not saying that no-one should even bother talking to people with eating disorders because it won’t work anyway. no. i am saying that thinking that a couple of words of encouragement is going to help is foolish, and that saying ‘but men won’t even like you if you’re that skinny!’ is even more idiotic. it doesn’t have to be about men. WHY CAN’T IT JUST BE ABOUT US FOR ONCE IN OUR FUCKING LIVES?!

okay y’all i guess this would categorize more as a ‘personal problem’ thing but bear with me. i cannot sleep because of this.

i was introduced to feminism because ’something bad happened to me.’ i didn’t know what it was, but i knew it was bad.

cut for triggering-ass sexual violence shit. after the triggering sexual violence content comes a question about feminist parenting and whether you, as a feminist parent, would want to know if your child was abusive or a rapist, and if you would even believe anyone if they said it? and some statements on those thoughts.

i had dated a sociopath when i was 14. i was utterly in love with him (lolololol i guess as in love as you get at that age anyway, right?) and our relationship was one gigantic trainwreck, to put it lightly. when i was 16, he stopped talking to me because of something i did. i was visiting the city he lived in sometime during this period; i called his friend while i was accidentally high (yes i really was the dumbass who didn’t know that adderall was made out of amphetamines, i just thought it made you stay up) asking if he thought my ex would still have sex with me.

well, he went ahead and arranged this for me.

i couldn’t back out at that point. i figured, ‘it won’t be so bad. i mean it’s not like i don’t want to have sex with him so i’ll just do it.’ this is a man that had threatened to kill me before, so i didn’t want to be fucking around and making him mad while i was in his territory.

i go meet him, and we start fighting almost immediately. i went into his house anyway like an idiot.

he wouldn’t let me use any sort of contraception. he said, ‘if you get pregnant, just get an abortion.’ he started gagging me. i was completely terrified. i had told him once upon a time that kinky sex appealed to me but i never saw this coming. i started whimpering and he started yelling at me. so i just shut the fuck up, even when he hit me a few times. all i could think was ‘i’m so glad he didn’t hit me in the face so my friends don’t ask what happened to me.’

i laid there perfectly still the entire time, not saying anything.

because if i had said, ‘no, stop,’ how could i have been sure what would’ve happened to me? best case scenario, i think, was i would’ve been abandoned in this town i had visited all of twice before in my life and knew nothing about. i would’ve been effectively stranded. maybe this would’ve been better than what he did to me, but at the time, it seemed horrible.

also, i loved him. he was like a god to me. i thought he was going to ‘fix me.’ that’s what he said he was going to do. he knew better than me what was good for me, he would say.

fuck, it doesn’t fucking matter, okay? all i knew was i started sleeping less and less and all sorts of shit started to startle me randomly. the sound of gunshots on tv because it reminded me of the noise from his hand hitting my thigh. people walking up behind me. i started smoking a pack and a half a day.

end of the triggering shit, and now onto the actual point of my post. if there is a point.

so i started to investigate. and that’s how i found feminism.

on then, on the forums and blogs i was on, there she was.

his mother. an ardent 2nd wave feminist.

when i posted the story of what happened to me (without identifying info, of course), SHE was the first person to regretfully inform me that i had been raped.

we still intersect every so often. and sometimes, she mentions her son. she mentions how respectful he is to women, what a decent man he is, how he holds feminist ideals.

GOD IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE.

it’s not her fault her son has no conscience. she didn’t raise him to hate women. he learned all this from his father, who was also an abuser of women.

it’s why i don’t have the heart to tell her. she thinks of that child like he is made out of gold. what parent wouldn’t?

besides, another girl tried before, but he convinced her that she was a compulsive liar.

of course, i will never saw anything to her about it. how could it ever possibly be in my place to do so? it wouldn’t do any good now. he is a full-fledged adult, it’s not like she could do anything. it wouldn’t change what happened.

so i make this post as a statement, and as a question.

+ sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your child will still turn out to be an absolute nightmare on legs. a feminist upbringing does not preclude your child from becoming an abuser or a rapist or a misogynist or ANYTHING. i would know. and this man absolutely hated women.

+ if you were a mother, would you really, REALLY want to know that your child was a rapist from someone other than the police? would you even believe someone if they told you that?

this, of course, will not influence my decision to not say anything to her.

but i just feel so helpless. i am still scared of him and it’s been over three years now. he still checks my myspace and livejournal to check up on me. he even commented on my livejournal last month. last year, he messaged me on myspace to ~*apologize*~ to me ‘for being manipulative,’ and then when i told him he raped me and apology not accepted, he threw a fit and cried to the poor poor intarwebz about what a crazyslutliar i am. or whatever. this shit dragged on forever, by the way. and then only five-ish days later i had to go to the city that he lived in to visit a friend, and i was TERRIFIED FOR MY LIFE. i didn’t know if i should cancel the trip or what. i walked around so afraid when i ended up going. i wouldn’t sleep in my hotel room alone.

i cannot do anything about this. i am going to have to live the rest of my life or his looking over my shoulder. and sometimes, it is so tempting to just send an email to his mother, simply saying, ‘your son raped me. and before that, he verbally and emotionally abused me for 2 years. and even still, after i’ve told him to fuck off and leave me alone, he comes around to bother me on the internet every so often’ JUST TO FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING.

i don’t really know what my point is. i guess i just feel hopeless and whenever i think about this situation, i feel like we’re never ever going to be able to reduce rape. because if being raised as a feminist won’t do it, what will?

I’m a bit late on this, but life has been hell with classes. you see, this semester, I take 2 classes at SUNY Ulster, and 2 at New Paltz. these schools are 20 minutes away from each other, 15 on a good day, and both are 15 minutes away from where i live. ugh. also, i put up a header! i like it lots, except that’s not what it really looks like BUT WORDPRESS KEEPS FUCKING IT UP. that’s ok one day i will finally throw in the 15$ to do the custom css.

WHATEVER, THE POINT IS, I’M LATE, I’M SORRY, BUT I FOUND OUT THAT KYLE PAYNE WAS SENTENCED TO A LAUGHABLE SIX MONTHS IN THE COUNTY JAIL.

Miserable fuckBlogger sentenced to six months in county jail, via the Iowa Independent.

If we’ve forgotten, Kyle Payne was the radical feminist activist who decided that it would be such a grand idea to use his positions of power and respect to grope and take photographs of a passed out woman.

So I went on over to this parasite’s blog and found his most recent entry, Because You Deserve to Know.

Oh, how people like this should just NOT FUCKING SPEAK. HOLY SHIT.

If this was a real ‘you deserve to know’ post, it would’ve gone a little something like: ‘hey y’all I’ve been sentenced to six months in the county jail, i am an enormous fuck and i should’ve been sentenced harsher but there you have it. see you around.’ in fact, i would honestly prefer if people like this attempted to simply drop off the planet and avoid human contact. but no, this is a manipulative piece of shit, so this thing is like FIVE HUNDRED PRINTER PAGES of self-pitying bullshit AS IF ANYONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HIS PRECIOUS LITTLE PROBLEMS OR WHY HE DID IT OR ANYTHING. CHRIST HOW INTO YOURSELF CAN YOU *BE*?!

This is below a cut because the quoted text includes this miserable cretin describing the assault he committed, and because this post is getting too fuckin big.

While caring for the female student, I felt a sudden impulse to expose her breast. Not knowing how to deal with this feeling at the time – and to put it more clearly, not knowing how to make sense of such an urge, given my personal values and my politics – I acted upon it. With a digital camera I kept with me regularly, I briefly photographed and took a few seconds of video of the woman’s breast. She did not consent to this act, nor did she have any knowledge of it at the time. This event ended as quickly as it began, leaving me in a state of disbelief at what I had done.

As I have been instructed not to make contact with the victim, I have no way of knowing how she is doing or what effect my actions have had on her life. I feel it is likely, however, that my actions have, at the very least, left her feeling less safe in the company of men. I hope she is doing well, and I hope she knows, with the utmost certainty, that she did not deserve to be treated in this way. No one does.

OOOOOOOOOKAY. HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN?!

a FEELING CAME OVER YOU AND YOU COULDN’T DEAL WITH IT? ARE YOU FOR FUCKIN REAL? what are you, three?! my twelve year old cousin seems to have better impulse control than you, overflowing hormones and all, and at least when she decides to do something impulsively, she DOESN’T RUIN PEOPLE’S LIVES.

y’all, it’s one thing when you’re a homophobe who has a gay affair, a green activist who drives an SUV, hell, even a DARE officer who snorts coke. these aren’t great things and they sure are hypocritical, but you AREN’T ASSAULTING SOMEONE. CHRIST ABOVE.

secondly, i HATE when abusive people attempt to say shit like, ‘you didn’t deserve that, and i hope i didn’t fuck up your life.’ like, you know what? WE DON’T NEED YOUR APPROVAL TO FEEL BETTER, OR HOW TO FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES, OR ANYTHING. THANK YOU! YOU HAVE HELPED ENOUGH! THAT’S IT! STOP FUCKING ‘HELPING!’!

i guess some people will look at this or hear me talk about it and think this is an earnest attempt at an apology. my boyfriend seems to think so. but i have received apologies, and i’ve received absolutely false apologies, and i have been ‘apologized to’ by a sociopath (my ex), and by someone with NPD (my friend’s ex). lololololol. i can’t describe how full of shit those ‘apologies’ are. they are so fake, it’s INFURIATING.

there’s a phrase in Romanian, ‘limbă de lemn.’ It means ‘wooden tongue.’ the phrase, as i understand it, originated to describe the way the communist government and its documents spoke (if you’ve ever read these things, or even read the book 1984, you’ll know what I mean). now, it seems to be used for anything that ’says a lot without saying anything at all.’ that is a sociopathic/narcissistic apology. that is Kyle Payne’s apology. by his own admission, he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. i mean come on!

seriously, i don’t believe in rehabilitation of sex offenders except in the young, and only then it works ’sometimes.’ fucked up or not, it just doesn’t seem to happen, no matter how fancy their rehab program is. i think all you can do is make sure they do not exist in the ‘real world’ ever again, either by physically locking them away or by taking away all their opportunities to function in the world. the latter seems to have happened to Kyle Payne, but we’ll see about that. sex offenders have a funny way of changing their identity, getting themselves forgiven, etc etc.

but that’s my bitter rape survivor opinion!

also, yeah, Kyle, you’re so mortified and sorry, you took a plea bargain. come the fuck on who are you even KIDDING?

anyway, it’s labor day weekend, it’s hot out and beautiful, so I’m off to a picnic! of course, in other parts of the country and caribbean, it is not so nice and beautiful out. So I hope that the hurricanes leave things the way they were before, all life is kept intact, and that everyone is able to evacuate and do so safely.

I finally have gotten used to this OMG STATE OF THE ART HOLYSHIT ERGONOMIC keyboard so I can type a post without wanting to throw it out the window. There will probably be typos still, though. Sorry.

but, uh, okay, here we go.

listen. i’m a disabled lady. I have PTSD and Nonverbal Learning Disorder. I was born with the latter, it seems, and I acquired the former when I was 16. So ever since I was able to begin working, I haven’t been able to work any more than 15 hours a week. i am waiting on this illustrious court date to get my disability money. sigh.

i go to college because i love taking the courses and learning shit. i go to a little community college where almost everyone is poor and not ‘college-aged,’ either they are high school drop outs who decided to go to school right after, or they are people who made it to 25 and wanted to try to do something to increase their earnings. i wish i could go to this school forever but it’s only a 2 year. after this, i would like to go to a state school. even if i HAD the grades to go to a private university (lolololol) i wouldn’t because the culutre of privilege and money absolutely INFURIATES ME and MAKES ME ILL.

my parents are middle-class-ish. my father ran away from communist Romania in the late 70s and married my mother, who immigrated from Montreal to be with him in New York City. they began their own small business fixing x-ray equipment during Reaganomics and were surprisingly rather successful until the end of the dot-com era. i did not grow up poor. but i see my impending poverty right before my eyes and so you can understand my worries and anger. also, i never learned any middle class skills. my parents became middle class by chance, basically. i mean, of course they worked hard for their business, but a lot of it was luck, as everything in life is. and more importantly to my point, they did not do it by going to college in the US and climbing the corporate ladder and making resumes and bullshit. so i never learned that.

eventually, i did. i was handed to a job coach or whatever they are at county mental health and she taught me everything i needed to know and i have my little data entry job because of her.

and everything i learned made me sick. the resumes, the application process, how to do an interview ‘right,’ the cover letters. it was all so fake, and privileged, and it was such a GAME. imagine, a game so you can survive! it was like the advice you get in middle school about boys. ‘now, seem interested, but not too much or else you’ll look desperate! and dress pretty but if you go overboard he’ll think you’re a slut!” that’s basically the advice i got for getting a job, except you know, the language being geared towards getting a job.

this shit is sucking my soul dry. i have to quit this job next week and i’ve been getting teary all the time, afraid i’m surely making the wrong decision, and i will look lazy and everyone will be disappointed in me. damien says he won’t be, which is nice, but y’all know what i mean.

now listen i’m not trying to be one of those artfucks who watch david lynch movies and drink soy chai and whatever being like, ‘oh, capitalism really is so awful! sigh! we should all just be nonconformists! *sip of soy chai*’ but i try to live my life according to what i think is right and moral.

so i go to college, which i am lucky to be able to do, because i love learning, and if one day i am well enough to have a career i’d like it to be one where i can help people, so that’s what my course selection concentrates on. i get bad grades and i don’t feel bad about it in a guilty way, it simply makes me afraid that i will not be able to attend 4-yr college after this. i don’t think grades prove anything in particular except that maybe you are good at busywork, which i am not, because of this learning disorder shit. i think if one could watch me in a classroom, they’d see i participate more than others because i very much LOVE most of my classes, i absorb the information told to me, whatever. but who cares about that, right? we wanna know how much busy work you can complete in a semester! like, yeah, let me ruin the little joy i get from life by attending school by trying to convince the rest of society that i’m allowed to exist. i work my little job employed by absolutely corrupt people who have violated ERISA and NYS labor law and ‘forget’ to pay us our full hours and we can’t report them because this shitty little job is all we have. after this experience, i refuse to work for corporations. right now i transcribe interviews for the mother of a friend of mine which has proven to be a lot less, uh, nausea inducing, even if i now know more about sturgeon fish than i have ever cared to know in my entire life. i can’t bring myself to, first of all, give myself even MORE reasons to be disgusted with life, and to feed this system. obviously, i can’t avoid it altogether, i mean i applied for disability after all. but my little rebellions are important to me.

people think my viewpoint is immature and i don’t give a fuck. i think it’s simpleminded to say ‘well this is how it is and being rebellious at your age is so passe and you need to think of how you will support your family!’ and guess the fuck what, i do. and my man and i are trying to think of ways in which we can support ourselves and his daughter while still being conscionable and not having our fucking souls and morals and humanity die. we talk about this almost every day.

my boyfriend did everything by the capitalist book, you know, he went to college, got a bachelor’s degree, had his name engraved into the president’s list, began building his journalism resume in his 2nd year of school, spent his last semester working 4 jobs while doing a full course load blah blah blah. okay well now he works as a night auditor at the Super 8 motel and as an office assistant, working 60 hours a week just to pay bills, after all that effort. and he is so brilliant, he is a magnificent writer and wrote beautiful songs and he does all his jobs very well and works hard at everything and instead he sleeps 2 hours a day just so he can be technically ‘alive.’ i am getting my associates in january and guess what sort of work i can do? data entry and transcription. what was the point of that degree? to get another one, apparently. well apparently it doesn’t guarantee you shit either.

listen this is all disconnected because it is 5 in the fuckin morning and i don’t really care right now. all i’m saying is, you have to do what you gotta do and are able to. and if you can get a ridiculously high paying job to support your family, fine. but don’t pretend you’re doing any favors for the rest of us. your luck and your success at the game hasn’t done a good goddamn thing for us. yeah yeah now you have more time to devote to volunteering or whatever shit but by playing into the system so that you can support yourself IN EXCESS, you are undoing all your volunteering for people like us, okay? because that is the fucking system THAT HAS US HERE. for god’s sake!

obviously most people can’t do what i’m trying to do and it’s probably better that way. i doubt i’m proving much of anything except that this is the 1-way ticket to being poor and shit. but i like to think that perhaps people will look at some of my decisions and see it for what it is, which is an expression of my disgust for the entire system and my little ways of trying to buck it from my less-privileged standpoint, because it is what i believe to be moral and true. and maybe it will make them feel something! i’m not sure.

but no. you are doing us NO FAVORS, just for yourself and your family. and i don’t care about ‘how hard you worked’ to get where you are and whatever shit. because while you were off making disgusting amounts of money, we have been working JUST AS HARD AS YOU. and fuck all it got us, because we didn’t have the little ‘luck’ component like you did.

christ almighty.

I am. And that is the big point of this blog.

I am so tired of trying to explain my point of view, explain concepts of feminism or racism or intersectionality or GLBTQ rights or fatphobia or WHATEVER to total n00bs. That is not my gift. I have never been one of those people who can sit down with someone and hold their hand through unpacking privilege and what have you.

For years, I have been the friend that my friends turn to when they’re mad. When their (ex)boyfriend does something completely off the wall. When an abusive family tries to get themselves back in the picture. When a friend says something absolutely unspeakable. During the time that they go through the ‘anger’ stage, they come to me because I am always angry right with them and my anger is like some kind of catharsis for them. Or something? As I understand it, anyway. I’ve also been told that the shit I say when I’m mad is so ridiculous they have to laugh, not at me, but just at the general thing I’m saying, and it makes them feel better.

I like this quality of mine. So why not use it to make a blog?

I’m not here to explain things. I know so many people who would do such a better job at it and they are on my blogroll and their own blogrolls etc. I think being part of an oppressed group is partly a constant bereavement process — grieving the experiences you’ve had, the rights you do not have, the abuse you endure. And I’m here for when you are in the anger stage and need someone to be mad right with you.

Because I am. And I am indeed the classiest lady you will ever know and so many classy things will fly out of my mouth when I’m angry your pinky will be up in the air in no time, don’t worry.