okay y’all i guess this would categorize more as a ‘personal problem’ thing but bear with me. i cannot sleep because of this.
i was introduced to feminism because ’something bad happened to me.’ i didn’t know what it was, but i knew it was bad.
cut for triggering-ass sexual violence shit. after the triggering sexual violence content comes a question about feminist parenting and whether you, as a feminist parent, would want to know if your child was abusive or a rapist, and if you would even believe anyone if they said it? and some statements on those thoughts.
i had dated a sociopath when i was 14. i was utterly in love with him (lolololol i guess as in love as you get at that age anyway, right?) and our relationship was one gigantic trainwreck, to put it lightly. when i was 16, he stopped talking to me because of something i did. i was visiting the city he lived in sometime during this period; i called his friend while i was accidentally high (yes i really was the dumbass who didn’t know that adderall was made out of amphetamines, i just thought it made you stay up) asking if he thought my ex would still have sex with me.
well, he went ahead and arranged this for me.
i couldn’t back out at that point. i figured, ‘it won’t be so bad. i mean it’s not like i don’t want to have sex with him so i’ll just do it.’ this is a man that had threatened to kill me before, so i didn’t want to be fucking around and making him mad while i was in his territory.
i go meet him, and we start fighting almost immediately. i went into his house anyway like an idiot.
he wouldn’t let me use any sort of contraception. he said, ‘if you get pregnant, just get an abortion.’ he started gagging me. i was completely terrified. i had told him once upon a time that kinky sex appealed to me but i never saw this coming. i started whimpering and he started yelling at me. so i just shut the fuck up, even when he hit me a few times. all i could think was ‘i’m so glad he didn’t hit me in the face so my friends don’t ask what happened to me.’
i laid there perfectly still the entire time, not saying anything.
because if i had said, ‘no, stop,’ how could i have been sure what would’ve happened to me? best case scenario, i think, was i would’ve been abandoned in this town i had visited all of twice before in my life and knew nothing about. i would’ve been effectively stranded. maybe this would’ve been better than what he did to me, but at the time, it seemed horrible.
also, i loved him. he was like a god to me. i thought he was going to ‘fix me.’ that’s what he said he was going to do. he knew better than me what was good for me, he would say.
fuck, it doesn’t fucking matter, okay? all i knew was i started sleeping less and less and all sorts of shit started to startle me randomly. the sound of gunshots on tv because it reminded me of the noise from his hand hitting my thigh. people walking up behind me. i started smoking a pack and a half a day.
end of the triggering shit, and now onto the actual point of my post. if there is a point.
so i started to investigate. and that’s how i found feminism.
on then, on the forums and blogs i was on, there she was.
his mother. an ardent 2nd wave feminist.
when i posted the story of what happened to me (without identifying info, of course), SHE was the first person to regretfully inform me that i had been raped.
we still intersect every so often. and sometimes, she mentions her son. she mentions how respectful he is to women, what a decent man he is, how he holds feminist ideals.
GOD IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE.
it’s not her fault her son has no conscience. she didn’t raise him to hate women. he learned all this from his father, who was also an abuser of women.
it’s why i don’t have the heart to tell her. she thinks of that child like he is made out of gold. what parent wouldn’t?
besides, another girl tried before, but he convinced her that she was a compulsive liar.
of course, i will never saw anything to her about it. how could it ever possibly be in my place to do so? it wouldn’t do any good now. he is a full-fledged adult, it’s not like she could do anything. it wouldn’t change what happened.
so i make this post as a statement, and as a question.
+ sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your child will still turn out to be an absolute nightmare on legs. a feminist upbringing does not preclude your child from becoming an abuser or a rapist or a misogynist or ANYTHING. i would know. and this man absolutely hated women.
+ if you were a mother, would you really, REALLY want to know that your child was a rapist from someone other than the police? would you even believe someone if they told you that?
this, of course, will not influence my decision to not say anything to her.
but i just feel so helpless. i am still scared of him and it’s been over three years now. he still checks my myspace and livejournal to check up on me. he even commented on my livejournal last month. last year, he messaged me on myspace to ~*apologize*~ to me ‘for being manipulative,’ and then when i told him he raped me and apology not accepted, he threw a fit and cried to the poor poor intarwebz about what a crazyslutliar i am. or whatever. this shit dragged on forever, by the way. and then only five-ish days later i had to go to the city that he lived in to visit a friend, and i was TERRIFIED FOR MY LIFE. i didn’t know if i should cancel the trip or what. i walked around so afraid when i ended up going. i wouldn’t sleep in my hotel room alone.
i cannot do anything about this. i am going to have to live the rest of my life or his looking over my shoulder. and sometimes, it is so tempting to just send an email to his mother, simply saying, ‘your son raped me. and before that, he verbally and emotionally abused me for 2 years. and even still, after i’ve told him to fuck off and leave me alone, he comes around to bother me on the internet every so often’ JUST TO FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING.
i don’t really know what my point is. i guess i just feel hopeless and whenever i think about this situation, i feel like we’re never ever going to be able to reduce rape. because if being raised as a feminist won’t do it, what will?
Tags: feminist parenting, rape
October 24, 2008 at 9:16 am |
Hi there, this is a great post and I’m really sorry you have to put up with that behaviour from him. I don’t doubt he was raised as a feminist by his mother, but it doesn’t seem like his father was of the same mindset – not that that excuses him in anyway. To address your points/questions:
“sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your child will still turn out to be an absolute nightmare on legs. a feminist upbringing does not preclude your child from becoming an abuser or a rapist or a misogynist or ANYTHING. i would know. and this man absolutely hated women.”
I agree completely, and ultimately every human has to be responsible for their own actions, regardless of how they were raised, and by whom etc That does not mean that we give up trying to raise children with feminist sensibilities, but that there is no guarantee of it working. Children, especially in their early years, learn everything they know about human interactions from watching the adults around them. So, if the adults are not respecting each other, for example, the child learns that the way to communicate with others is with disrespect. Again, that doesn’t excuse anything a child may do later in life, but it may explain it. If this person saw his father being abusive towards his mother, he would have learned that is just how men act towards women – that is how you do it. Now, a lot of children see their fathers being abusive to their mothers, and don’t grow up to be women abusers themselves, because whatever other socialisation the child receives, from other relatives, other children, teachers etc teaches them that what they saw at home was wrong. Anyway, you’re right, there are no guarantees that attempting to raise a child in a certain way will result in the kind of adult you would like to call your offspring. And so to your question:
“if you were a mother, would you really, REALLY want to know that your child was a rapist from someone other than the police? would you even believe someone if they told you that?”
If someone came to me and said that my son had raped them, I would believe them. I would be devastated, and beside myself with worry, and I probably wouldn’t know what to do about it, but I would believe them. I would talk to them, and listen to them, and believe them. I would most likely confront my son about it too. Apart from that, I have no idea what I would or wouldn’t do, and I hope I never have to find out.
I think, if you really want to tell his mother, even though there’s nothing that can be done now, perhaps you should. You may not be the first, and you may not be the last. She might be understanding about it. I don’t know, I’m just waffling really – but thanks for this post, and I’m sorry (again) that you have this in your life to put up with.
October 28, 2008 at 11:02 pm |
hello there, Thank you for your post and sharing your story. I’m sorry for what happened. Honestly if you feel inclined to tell his mother I think you should. there is a possibility that you could prevent him from doing what he did to you to another women. Not to say it’s your social obligation though, because it’s definitely not. and his anger towards women is unhealthy for both him and those that might encounter his surroundings. he obviously needs help, as all men who treat women like shit need therapeutic help. but that is no excuse for his actions. Reading your post made me sick to my stomach. and again I’m sorry for your experience, but you can never go wrong with the truth. Best of luck to you!